What drives people to infidelity may surprise you, says psychotherapist and author Morrie Shechtman. Selfless devotion is at the top of the list.
Boulder, CO (July 2004)—Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, what would you do to prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is: “I’d lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe.” Or, “I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts.” Or, “I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it.” If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: you’re on the wrong track. According to psychotherapist Morrie Shechtman, you’ve bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place.
“Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse,” says Shechtman, co-author along with his wife and business partner, Arleah, of Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage (Bull Publishing Company, 2004, ISBN: 0-923521-81-X, $16.95). “Despite the clichés—the mid-life crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance—that’s not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words.”
That’s right. The harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it’s probably because the other spouse has become, well . . . boring. So your focus on your appearance or your desperate attempts to please your partner completely miss the point.
Shechtman offers the following warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair:
-You don’t challenge each other. Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An “Oh, I’ll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy” attitude is condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you’re not invested in her well-being. Maybe she’s depressed. Maybe she’s sick. Maybe she’s succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don’t care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.
-You and your partner have become an amoeba. Getting married does not mean morphing into a single person with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something’s wrong. “If your partner is not allowed to have a life of her own, she will eventually become resentful,” says Shechtman. “Similarly, if you’re over-interested in her life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, she will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people having independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance marriages.”
-One person selflessly lives for the other. Shechtman likes to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a disheveled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she’d just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. “Selfless devotion is boring,” says Shectman. “Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. And by failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard of that.”
-Everything centers on your children. It’s easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don’t. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance. When you are reduced to being little more than an appointment secretary or a taxicab for your children, there’s precious little time to develop an identity, a life, of your own. “Remember, children are temporary,” says Shecthman. “One day they will grow up and leave and your marriage will still be there. More to the point, you’ll still be there. So devote at least as much energy to your personal growth as you do to the social life of your kids.”
–You don’t have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Does the question, “How was your day?” unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you’re missing the point of communication. Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought it was sex!) If you’re confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here’s a clue: it centers on feelings, not information. Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel. Even if you have only ten minutes a day to talk to her, make those ten minutes count.
Interestingly, Shechtman says that most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don’t care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don’t challenge your spouse to “be all he can be,” if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be a disinterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.
So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words, says Shechtman: get a life.
“Set goals and work toward them,” he urges. “Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don’t just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks. And challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn’t about comfort zones and status quos. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die.”
“There’s one other point I would make,” he adds. “Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you would be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people just have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. There are no guarantees in marriage. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself.”
About the Authors:
Morrie Shechtman is a personal and corporate consultant with thirty years of experience. Morrie’s academic background includes an M.S.W. with a clinical specialization in psychotherapy. He also has his A.C.S.W., the professional credential required for independent practice. He has taught at distinguished universities throughout the United States, has worked as a therapist and counselor, and now also runs a successful management consulting company, Fifth Wave Leadership.
Morrie’s first book, Working Without a Net: How to Survive and Thrive in Today’s High Risk Business World (1994), is widely used as a reference in corporate America. It is utilized as a textbook by a number of universities and is used by many government agencies in management development training.
Morrie’s second book, Fifth Wave Leadership: The Internal Frontier is available on this website at www/morrieshechtman.com/store
Arleah Shechtman is a psychotherapist with twenty-five years of experience counseling individuals in committed relationships. Arleah’s academic background includes an associate’s degree in business mid-management, an undergraduate degree in organizational development, and an M.S.W. with a clinical specialization. She also has her A.C.S.W., the professional credential required for independent practice. Her continuing education has focused on work with adolescents, work with small groups, and work with people experiencing grief and loss.
About the Book:
Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage on this website at www.morrieshechtman.com/store
For a review copy of the book or an interview with the authors, please contact Morrie Shechtman, at (406) 260-7631